What learning to truly receive has taught me
about candles, cinnamon rolls, near and far-flung birthday escapades & gratitude to my parents and my ex
This post was originally published on Arawme," What Learning to Receive Has Taught Me: Healing Receivership Wounds”.
a song I am loving:
For as long as I can remember, my family has always had a tradition on our birthdays.
When it was one of our birthdays, there would always be a customary birthday celebration, a birthday cake (usually a $15 one), a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne, and a birthday song. It was a beautiful gesture that brought us together, and I will always be grateful to have been raised by a family from a humble background.
But I would never forget how my body would shrivel up each time my family sang the birthday song and cheered for me.
When I entered adulthood, this family tradition stopped. I moved away from home.
But I never stopped deflecting, or got better at receiving. If anything, unbeknownst to me, I hid this wounding under the pretence of someone who was “a strong, independent, and ambitious woman”.
I started “escaping” on every birthday, purchasing last-minute tickets to nearby and far-flung countries to avoid needing to celebrate myself that day. I would deliberately choose to spend the day in a country of strangers or somewhere immersed in nature.
Relationship-wise, I attracted men who began teaching me to heal this decade-old pattern too.
Wait, why is he complimenting me so much?
What should I say?
Not again, did he just compliment me?
Does he have an ulterior motive here? Is he interested in me?
Or am I just terrible at receiving compliments?
My previous partner taught me a lot about how to receive and soften, and a big part of this article is for him too.
He was the sweetest man, always thoughtful and kind. He knew how much I love sea turtles, the ocean, cinnamon rolls, carrot cakes, flowers, and candles. Every time he would stumble on one of them in a store, he would always get it for me. One of my favourite moments together was eating sinful carrot cakes, making fun of each other’s sweet tooth, teasing who would have the last bite, and searching for the best cinnamon rolls in town.
He didn’t get me a sea turtle or the ocean, of course, but he would always share videos and memes about them with me. At one point, I had more than five unused candles sitting around.
You get the gist.
With him, I learnt to receive.
I learnt to say thank you without berating or deflection, but with worthiness. I learnt to hold the initial comfort so gently until it became my constant.
Thank you, C.
Because of you, I learnt to buy myself these sinful but oh-so delicious cakes and cinnamon rolls and eat them by myself, unabashedly. And for that reason, each time I will always be grateful for our time together.
Because of you, I allowed myself to receive simple pleasures in life.
Growing up, I did not have healthy role models who taught me how to receive or soften.
My father devoted his entire life to a 9-5 job in the hospitality industry for over thirty years. He would leave for work at the crack of dawn and return home exhausted, the kind you know, who had zero social battery at the end of dinner. I would often catch him falling asleep in front of the television by 9 pm. One of my distinct, not-so-positive memories with him was around ten, when he reprimanded me in the car about a matter I no longer remember, using one of his favourite lines: “Do not compare with others.”
I was taught from a young age that settling and fitting in were better than standing out. The act of asking for more and making comparisons in any form was considered evil. And most of all, success = hard work, and success with sacrifices was noble and mandatory.
He was the epitome of this dreadful reality of the hustle culture. I love my dad so much, but he is the main reason why I will repeatedly refuse to subscribe to the hustle culture again and again.
My mom, on the other hand, has always been a creative and entrepreneurial woman. She was a hairstylist and had begun her entrepreneurial journey at a young age. She was uneducated and always carried that inadequacy within herself, although it was not evident. She embodied the hyper-independent and driven archetype that I greatly admired and respected. I was always amazed at how she refused a 9-to-5 job and opted for a different way of living.
On the exterior, she looked carefree, fashionable, and free-spirited, but behind it was a woman operating from her wounded femininity and inadequacy. It was only in the recent years of healing work that I recognized that behind it all, she was also a child who had zero role models and/or did not know how to work on herself. Behind this facade was a woman with low self-worth, who associated her worth with the chores she did and the amount of money she made.
This May, on Mother’s Day, my brother and I ordered a large bouquet for her. I was living in Mexico, halfway around the world from her, and it was one of the few little things I could do.
Unsurprisingly, before the thank you, my mom was quick to add, “This is not necessary, both of you did not have to buy this. It is a waste of money.” She was quick to deflect our small gesture.
It came to my awareness that this interaction alone governed my entire perception of receivership and the amount of ancestral wounding that has been passed through my lineage, and the healing that is required of me.
It was then that I told myself this: this ends here, Sylvia.
Do you see yourself here as well?
For so long, I believed my strength was in giving.
I could hold space, support, and show up for others with ease.
But when it came to receiving love, support, or even money, I noticed how quickly I would deflect, shrink, or dismiss it.
Feminine receptivity and receivership were not concepts taught to me when I was younger, either in my culture, school, or upbringing. Growing up, my nervous system imprint was rigged for self-protection rather than self-allowance. Healthy receivership wasn't something I mastered overnight or immediately recognized as a block in my deconditioning journey as a Projector.
My nervous system imprint was rigged for self-protection rather than self-allowance.
Receivership wounds don’t just show up in business; they show up everywhere in life..
Have you ever wondered why certain things always felt so hard?
What if the reasons it always felt hard were because your energy says, “I want this,” but your nervous system says, “I can’t hold this.”
Healthy receivership is the ability to carry the energetic capacity and nervous system to hold more without interfering, self-sabotaging, feeling guilty, or collapsing.
Healthy receivership is integral regardless of your gender identification, whether you are a Projector, a Reflector, a Generator, an MG, or a Manifestor, and whether you are a business owner or an employee.
Healthy receivership is integral as long as you are a human being.
Below are some 5 examples of receivership wounds.
Many of which have plagued my entire life and have emerged as a block in my business and life.
— Difficulty receiving love and care and owning your desires
You feel uncomfortable when others nurture you, support you, or express affection (romantically)
You always play the strong one, the one who always gets it together, letting control dictate your life more than you would admit
Difficulty in resting without feeling guilty
In business, you try to do it all alone, hesitate investing in your growth and support (hiring a VA, a mentor, delegating, or investing in systems), and eventually arrive at burnout
You hesitate to receive mentorship, coaching, or guidance unless you can guarantee results
You feel uncomfortable receiving hugs and or acts of service
You downplay and minimize your needs or say “I’m fine” when your energy and expression imply otherwise
You talk down your desires or don’t talk about them at all instead of owning your desires unapologetically (Eg, it sounds materialistic and mean, but I really want that…”)
— Deflecting compliments and recognition
Receiving compliments feels uncomfortable, you often brush them off or downplay yourself instead of wholeheartedly sitting with receiving it as it is (Eg, Oh, it's nothing. Thanks, I bought this from the store.)
You feel awkward or uncomfortable when seen and celebrated by others
In business, you may struggle to market yourself or show up to talk/market your services/offerings
You hesitate to share your testimonials and successes, and avoid confronting your visibility wounds
You unconsciously repel recognition to keep it safe and cool to avoid rejection
Read the rest of the article on my blog here: What Learning to Receive Has Taught Me: Healing Receivership Wounds
Download my freebie: When Receivership heals: a 20+ page guide on the pathway back to receiving.
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